Everything I Became: a study in hurt and healing

Sunday, July 11, 2021

 So, not many of you probably know this, but I have a new poetry collection ready to get sent out into the world.  If you want to read it, you need to keep reading, because it's a pretty unique situation. 

Limited edition(ish). 


Upon request only. 

Do you have questions? 
I can't say I blame you. 

everything i became is a poetry collection (in the same vein as Everything I Never Said and Everything And Nothing) and it has been written through the early part of 2021.  Why am I not publishing this one like the others? 

Well, it's a complicated answer, and I'm still not 100% sure whether or not I'll publish it for Kindle or not, seeing as most people buy Kindle copies of my poetry books.  

My other books of poetry were inspired by separate life events that I grappled with, and I have received plenty of feedback letting me know that those works were "too sad." I'm not bashing folks for their personal opinions here - they ARE sad - but it's also surreal to deal with as an author when someone is upset that you wrote about real-life events in order to vent and cope, and I know that I simply cannot do that this time around.  The biggest problem? The first two collections were written at a surface level compared to this new one. 

I can't explain how many times I waffled back and forth on whether or not to publish this collection. Probably only one or two friends can attest to that xD

 It's a culmination of months of counseling, in an attempt to get my brain to wrap around everything that happened. That a lot of things I turned a blind eye on were, in fact, abusive. Not to mention the fact that someone I should've been able to trust by default was the culprit. And in doing so, I took off the kid gloves with my descriptions. Stopped dancing around reality to face it.

Do I explain exactly what happened? No, but I explained the marks it left. And at that, only some of them. I'm still working on the whole "realization" process. 

And it's terrifying to let it loose into the world. This mangled little piece of me. But sometimes you have to let go because the tighter you hold on, the deeper it cuts you.

I came to the realization this weekend -- why should I be afraid? Because of this brokenness, I've been invited into a closer relationship with God. Into learning blind trust. Into knowing that no matter what happens, no matter how many times I fall, He thinks I'm priceless. 

So this is all part of my testimony. If God can take something as broken as me and heal me through the unlikeliest of circumstances, using a stranger I was very much afraid of simply because of my past experiences, He can do wonderful things. He has. And He will continue to. Why should I be afraid to share this? 

I don't have to be afraid of the label BROKEN, so long as I welcome the label REDEEMED. Because I am.  

This is a book about coping, healing, and recovering. It is largely unedited, raw truth masquerading behind a thin mask called "fiction." Assuming that the healing process is easy was one of the biggest things I had to overcome in counseling, and something I still wrestle with. 

As such, I set out on the mission that I will offer this book as a comfort to those who are healing too: that it's okay to struggle and rant and rave, but it's not okay to accept that as your life's lot and give up. That you won't be the same as before, that it takes a struggle, and you can't go back to who you were before, but you can be better with time, and you can find who God intended you to become. That your circumstances can't wreck God's plans. He is sovereign.  I think that's a message sorely missing in a lot of books, and if anything good can come out of my experiences, I sincerely hope that offering a message involving the reality of a fallen world and hope despite it will be one of them. This book is divided into three sections -- hurt, acceptance, and healing. Each section is prefaced by a Bible verse that I found comfort in during my particular process. 

Why is the title uncapitalized? Well, it's a stylistic choice I've hated since my college days. But I became a little bit obsessed with the uncapitalized style during this period of time, because it signifies (to me) that something's missing; it's not quite right. It's technically whole, but maybe just a little broken. If I could sum up this book, that's what I'd say. 

This is no easy step for me to take - it contains a large secret that I've kept for a very long time, which is another reason why I'm monitoring who receives a copy, at least initially.  

Baby steps. 

My voice may waver from time to time, but I still have it, and heaven help me if I ever stop using it. 

Click HERE to request a free PDF copy and to read the blurb.  This form will only be open through August 1st, at least that's what I'm thinking about right now. (It might change. It might not.)  I will send copies out as I get requests.

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